Question: What are your thoughts about telling someone who is dying – “You can go now?”
When someone we love is actively dying, sometimes we are encouraged to say goodbye or tell them that it is okay with us if they go. Sadly, I have seen some people tell the dying person to “go toward the light.”
Yes, it is hard to watch someone you love die a painful, lingering death. It is normal and natural to want their suffering to end. But I also think we should consider that saying goodbye prematurely, or trying to push someone who is dying to go, is often a reflection of our modern discomfort and impatience with the dying process.
The timing of each person’s last breath is a very unique and personal experience. Surrendering, making peace, and letting go is highly self-determined. Those of us who have companioned the dying for many years have observed that some people choose when to die, while others who wish for the end cannot seem to hasten it no matter how hard they try.
We find that many people who have survived hardship during their lives are often reluctant to leave the life they have fought so hard for. As one family member asked me: “What is keeping him here? We all told him goodbye and said it’s okay to go, but he is still here.” Why? Because “letting go” cannot be coerced or mandated; it is self-determined.
Yes, some people who are dying cue those around them that they are ready to make their transition. However, many people do not seem to respond to invitations to “go.” One family offered their mother “letting go” permission just as she woke up from a non-responsive state, only to have her ask, “Are you trying to get rid of me?”
Observation suggests that some well-meaning people (family members and even professional caregivers) mistakenly assume that all dying people need to be given permission to “let go.” In fact, some of the literature and training on end of life encourages (without exception) this need to give permission for people to die.
However, we find that many of these people that advocate the need to “say goodbye” have not companioned bereaved family members who have deeply regretted the one-size-fits-all advice: “Tell them that it is okay to let go.” Many grieving family members that I have had the honor of companioning have painfully shared with me how “letting go words” were never appropriate in their relationship with the dying person.
Family members who were naturally vulnerable during this difficult time may have followed this “expert” advice against their better judgement. Upon reflection, some report that their words felt more like abandonment, and that they regret following this counsel. I believe we should spend more time saying “hello” to the person who is dying – something we were better at in generations past. Family and friends of the dying person would often surround them and instinctively reminisce backward while making no attempt to push them forward.
So, instead of rushing to goodbye, we should spend those last precious hours, days, sometimes weeks, sharing our memories and expressing our love. I often remind myself and the families I serve that HELLO is anchored in love, while GOODBYE is anchored in logic! The dying person’s body came into this world when it was ready, and it will also leave this world when it is ready.
While some dying people do ask for, or cue those around them, that they want permission to make the transition, most do not need our permission or encouragement. When a dying person does give indication that they are ready to make the transition and invite you to say something, here is an example…
“Mom, if you feel the need to either hold on or just rest, you have my love and support. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere. You have been such a wonderful mother to me and I love you very much.”
My hope is that we can let the dying go when they are ready to go – not when we are ready. In the meantime: Let’s keep saying hello!
For additional information see Dr. Wolfelt’s books Expected Loss: Coping with Anticipatory Grief and The Paradoxes of Mourning: Three Essential Truths.
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Dr. Alan Wolfelt has been recognized as one of North America’s leading death educators and grief counselors. His books have sold more than a million copies worldwide and have been translated into many languages. Founder of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado Dr. Wolfelt speaks on grief-related topics, offers trainings for caregivers, and has written many bestselling books and other resources on grief for both caregivers and grieving people. For more information visit www.centerforloss.com
