After someone you love dies, you grieve inside. You have many different thoughts and feelings, most of them painful. We call this interior experience of loss “grief.”
Mourning means to express your grief outside of yourself. Mourning is crying, talking to other people about the death, sharing stories, putting together photo albums, journaling, and other actions. Mourning is essential because it’s through mourning that you begin to heal.
Everyone grieves and mourns differently, but there are some steps along the way that we all must encounter. I call these the “six needs of mourning.” You might think of them as your “to-do list” as, slowly and over time, you work on actively expressing—or mourning—your grief. Meeting the six needs of mourning one day at a time will help you move toward a life of meaning and purpose again.
Accompanying Article: “The Journey Through Grief: The Six Needs of Mourning”
1. Acknowledge the reality of the death
This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again. Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may take weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times.
You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real. Remember—this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.
Read the book: “The Journey Through Grief”
2. Embrace the pain of the loss
This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss—something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress, or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting and expressing our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it. You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of the death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.
Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.
Read the book: “The Journey Through Grief”
3. Remember the person who died
Do you have any kind of relationship with someone after they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship, and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs, etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship and share it outside of yourself.
But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they might encourage you to take down all photos of the person who died. They may tell you to keep busy or even to take radical steps such as moving out of your house. But in my experience, remembering and sharing the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.
Read the book: “The Journey Through Grief”
4. Develop a new self-identity
Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.” The way you think of yourself and the way society defines you are changing.
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. What’s more, a death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage; someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be handled by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained. You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity.
You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy, and fear. Many people discover that as they work on this need, however, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may uncover a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.
Read the book: “The Journey Through Grief”
5. Search for meaning
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why?” questions. “How could God let this happen? Why did this happen now, in this way?” The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions.
You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty. This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may struggle with your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living. Expressing your search for meaning outside of yourself will give you the momentum you need.
Read the book: “The Journey Through Grief”
6. Receive ongoing support from others
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot—nor should you try to—do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners, or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support remains important months and even years after the death of someone significant in your life.
Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up,” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your normal and necessary grief rather than express it. To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed—even encouraged—to mourn long after the death. And they must join with you in seeing grief not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.
Read the book: “The Journey Through Grief”