Greater than the Sum of Its Parts

When you love another person, it can feel like one plus one equals three.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” Love is like that. Two people can come together and form a partnership that enables each person to be “more” in so many ways.

Here’s another way to think about this idea: Love is like an orchestra. You may be a clarinet—a strong, fine wind instrument all by yourself. But when you surround yourself with other instruments, each of whom do the work of carrying their own parts and practicing their own music, together, as a group, you can blow the doors off the place.

I much prefer this expansive concept of love over the long-held reductionist belief that “two become one.” If two become one, both participants in the relationship are diminished. Conversely, what truly feeds the soul of a loving relationship is expansion, mutual-nurturance, and growth.

Without doubt, being part of a synergistic, two-makes-three relationship, requires a conscious commitment. Did your relationship with the person who died feel enhancing or diminishing? In synergistic relationships, there has to be space and encouragement to be real and authentic. Were you empowered to be your true self or disempowered to be something you were not? Did your two make three, or did your two make you less than one? If so, perhaps you are now faced with mourning what you never had but wished you did. How human is that?

If, on the other hand, your relationship with the person who died made you greater than the sum of your parts, what happens now that one of you is gone? You may feel diminished. You may feel empty. You may feel “less than.” Your self-identity may even seem to shrink as you struggle with your changing roles. If you are no longer a wife or a husband (or a mother or a father, or a sister or a brother, or a daughter or a son), what are you?

Also, the experience of mourning can feel piecemeal—a cry here, a burst of anger there; a deep sadness today, a crush of guilt tomorrow. You might feel a sense of disorientation from the scattered and ever-changing nature of your grief.

But when you trust in the process of grief and you surrender to the mystery, you will find that mourning, like love, is also greater than the sum of its parts. Leaning into your grief and always erring on the side of expressing rather than inhibiting or ignoring your thoughts and feelings—no matter how random and disjointed they might seem some days—will bring you to a place of transformation. You will not just be different from the person you were before the death. You will be greater. Your experience of love and grief will create a changed you, a you who has not only survived but who has learned to thrive again in a new form and in a new way.

And just as love connects you to others, so should grief. You need the listening ears and open hearts of others as you express your thoughts and feelings about the death. You need the support of others as you mourn.

Yes, love and grief are both greater than the sum of their parts. The lesson I take from this is that whenever you engage fully and openly in life, experiencing both the joys and the sorrows head-on, you are living the life you were meant to live.

Go to the bookstore to purchase Loving from the Outside In, Mourning from the Inside Out now! 

Love Does Not End With Death

Since love does not end with death, holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief—a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living.  Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.

No simple guidelines exist that will take away the hurt you are feeling. We hope, however, the following suggestions will help you better cope with your grief during this joyful, yet painful, time of the year.  As you read through this article, remember that by being tolerant and compassionate with yourself, you will continue to heal.

Talk About Your Grief

During the holiday season, don’t be afraid to express your feelings of grief.  Ignoring your grief won’t make the pain go away and talking about it openly often makes you feel better.  Find caring friends and relatives who will listen—without judging you.  They will help make you feel understood.

Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits

Feelings of loss will probably leave you fatigued.  Your low energy level may naturally slow you down.  Respect what your body and mind are telling you.  And lower your own expectations about being at your peak during the holiday season.

Eliminate Unnecessary Stress

You may already feel stressed, so don’t overextend yourself.  Avoid isolating yourself, but be sure to recognize the need to have special time for yourself.  Realize also that merely “keeping busy” won’t distract you from your grief, but may actually increase stress and postpone the need to talk out thoughts and feelings related to your grief.

Be With Supportive, Comforting People

Identify those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss and who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings.  Find those persons who encourage you to be yourself and accept your feelings—both happy and sad.

Talk About the Person Who Has Died

Include the person’s name in your holiday conversation.  If you are able to talk candidly, other people are more likely to recognize your need to remember that special person who was an important part of your life.

Do What Is Right for You During the Holidays

Well-meaning friends and family often try to prescribe what is good for you during the holidays.  Instead of going along with their plans, focus on what you want to do.  Discuss your wishes with a caring, trusted friend. Talking about these wishes will help you clarify what it is you want to do during the holidays.  As you become aware of your needs, share them with your friends and family.

Plan Ahead for Family Gatherings

Decide which family traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Structure your holiday time.  This will help you anticipate activities, rather than just reacting to whatever happens.  Getting caught off guard can create feelings of panic, fear and anxiety during the time of the year when your feelings of grief are already heightened.  As you make your plans, however, leave room to change them if you feel it is appropriate.

Embrace Your Treasure of Memories

Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved.  And holidays always make you think about times past.  Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends.  Keep in mind that memories are tinged with both happiness and sadness.  If your memories bring laughter, smile.  If your memories bring sadness, then it’s alright to cry.  Memories that were made in love—no one can ever take them away from you.

Renew Your Resources for Living

Spend time thinking about the meaning and purpose of your life.  The death of someone loved created opportunities for taking inventory of your life— past, present and future.  The combination of a holiday and a loss naturally results in looking inward and assessing your individual situation.  Make the best use of this time to define the positive things in life that surround you.

Express Your Faith

During the holidays, you may find a renewed sense of faith or discover a new set of beliefs.  Associate with people who understand and respect your need to talk about these beliefs.  If your faith is important, you may want to attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony.

As you approach the holidays, remember: grief is both a necessity and a privilege. It comes as a result of giving and receiving love.  Don’t let anyone take your grief away.  Love yourself.  Be patient with yourself.  And allow yourself to be surrounded by loving, caring people.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt will be speaking as part of the Annual Spirituality and Health Conference with Union Hospital in Terre Haute, IN November 16-17, 2011.

On Nov. 16, the public is invited to attend a free seminar from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. at the Landsbaum Center, 1433 N. 6 ¸ Street, Terre Haute, IN.  Dr. Wolfelt will present “Healing Your Grieving Heart When Someone You Love Has Died.” This compassionate program is designed to provide support in individuals’ personal grief experiences.

On Nov. 17, Wolfelt will provide two seminars on “Living in the ‘Shadow of the Ghosts’ of Grief.” The first seminar is for physicians and will be held from 8 to 9 a.m. in the Union Hospital East Atrium Conference Room, 1606 N. 7th St., Terre Haute. The second seminar is for clinical staff, social workers, counselors, ministers, funeral directors and embalmers and will be held from 9:30 a.m. to 12 p.m. at the Landsbaum Center.  Continuing education credits will be provided at both seminars on Nov. 17.

All of the seminars are free, but reservations are required. Please contact the Chaplain’s Office at (812) 238-7628 or chaplains_office@uhhg.org by Nov 11 for reservations.

Callahan and Hughes Funeral Home- Davis R. Callahan is a sponsor of this conference.

Exploring the Dimensions of Adult Grief: The Caregivers Role will help members of the caregiving community take an in-depth look at the dimensions of adult grief and the helping role.  Dr. Wolfelt will explore a model of grief care anchored in “companioning” versus “treating” the mourner.  This event will be held from 9:00 am -12:00 noon.  Please RSVP with Brenda Walker at (702) 736-6200.

The evening of  November 1, from 6:00 pm – 8:00 pm, the public is invited to an evening of hope and healing. Exploring Eight Critical Questions When Someone Dies is a compassionate program that will help you explore these questions and provide you with the support you need to find their answers.  Again,  please RSVP with Brenda Walker at (702) 736-6200.

October 10th & 11th Sunset Memorial Gardens and Funeral Home will sponsor two events, one for the public and a seminar for caregivers.

The public event, titled Exploring Eight Critical Questions When Someone Dies, will take place Monday, October 10th from 7:00 pm – 9:00 pm.  This free event will explore questions such as “Will I grieve this loss, or will I mourn this loss?”  ”Will I move toward reconciliation of my grief, or will I believe I must come to a complete resolution of my grief?”  and “Will this loss add to my “divine spark,” or will it take away my life force?”   Please RSVP with Mel Wideman by phone at 432- 362- 2331 or email service@sunsetodessa.com.

Caregivers are invited to attend a free workshop on Tuesday, October 11th from 9:00 am – 12:00 noon titled Exploring the Dimensions of Adult Grief: the Caregiver’s Role.  Dr. Wolfelt will explore a model of grief care anchored in “companioning” versus “treating” the mourner. This model recognizes grief as a normal, necessary process that is fundamentally a journey of the heart and soul. CE credits are available for Licensed Social Workers and Licensed Professional Counselors.  Again, please RSVP with Mel Wideman by phone at 432- 362- 2331 or email service@sunsetodessa.com.

 Dr. Wolfelt continues with another stop on his fall tour in Atlanta, GA on October 6 & 7.

Join us for an evening of hope and healing during an event titled Healing Your Grieving Heart When Someone You Love Has Died.   This event is open to the public on October 6 at 7:00- 9:00, and is free of charge, sponsored by SouthCare Cremation Society & Memorial Centers.  Please RSVP for this event by calling 770.420.5557.

A caregivers workshop will take place on October 7 from 9:00- Noon. Exploring the Dimensions of Adult Grief: The Caregivers Role will explore a model of grief care anchored in “companioning” versus “treating” the mourner.  Come and learn about a “teach me” model of supporting people in grief.  This caregivers workshop offers 3 Continuing Education credits.  Again, this free event is sponsored by SouthCare Cremation Society & Memorial Centers.  Please RSVP for this event by calling 770.420.5557.

See you on the road!

Next week Dr. Wolfelt will be presenting in Appleton, Wisconsin. On Tuesday, October 4 Wichmann- Fargo Funeral Home hosts a free community seminar for the general public from 6:00- 9:00 pm. Exploring Eight Critical Questions When Someone Dies…. and the Answers That Will Help You Heal is a compassionate program that will help you explore these questions and provide you the support you need.  Don’t miss this opportunity to spend an evening with North America’s leading grief counselors and authors!  Click here for more information.

A seminar for professional staff and caregivers will take place on Wednesday, October 5 from 8:30 am to 3:00 pm.  Helping Children and Teens Cope With Grief will cover objectives such as exploring a broader framework for loss; introducing the potential “ghosts” of children’s grief; and defining the special features of teen grief. CEUs/ CEHs may be earned. Again, this event is hosted by Wichmann- Fargo Funeral Home.  Pre- registration for this even closes tonight, so if you haven’t done so already, please go here  for more information and to register.

Stay tuned as we continue to post more information about upcoming dates across the country for the month of October!

Dr. Wolfelt has hit the road!

He has just returned from speaking engagements in Florida and Tennessee!  Curlew Hills Memory Gardens, in Palm Harbor, Florida, featured this special event in their Fall Newsletter.

These events were sponsored by Curlew Hills Memory Gardens and Suncoast Hospice in Florida.  Hundreds came out to hear him speak.

Please visit this link to see if he will be in a community near you this fall!