Helping Teenagers Cope With Grief
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Teenagers Mourn Too
Each year thousands of teenagers experience the death of someone
they love. When a parent, sibling, friend or relative dies, teens
feel the overwhelming loss of a someone who helped shape their
fragile self-identities. And these feelings about the death become
a part of their lives forever.
Caring adults, whether parents, teachers, counselors or friends, can help teens
during this time. If adults are open, honest and loving, experiencing the loss of
someone loved can be a chance for young people to learn about both the joy and pain
that comes from caring deeply for others.
Many Teens are Told to "Be Strong"
Sad to say, many adults who lack understanding of their experience
discourage teens from sharing their grief. Bereaved teens give out all
kinds of signs that they are struggling with complex feelings, yet are
often pressured to act as if they are doing better than they really are.
When a parent dies, many teens are told to "be strong" and "carry on"
for the surviving parent. They may not know if they will survive themselves,
let alone be able to support someone else. Obviously, these kinds of conflicts
hinder the "work of mourning."
Teen Years Can be Naturally Difficult
Teens are no longer children, yet neither are they adults. With the exception
of infancy, no developmental period is so filled with change as adolescence.
Leaving the security of childhood, the adolescent begins the process of separation
from parents. The death of a parent or sibling, then, can be a particularly
devastating experience during this already difficult period.
At the same time the bereaved teen is confronted by the death of someone loved,
he or she also faces psychological, physiological and academic pressures. While
teens may begin to look like "men" or "women," they will still need consistent and
compassionate support as they do the "work of mourning," because physical development
does not always equal emotional maturity.
Teens Often Experience Sudden Deaths
The grief that teens experience often comes suddenly and unexpectedly. A parent
may die of a sudden heart attack, a brother or sister may be killed in an auto
accident, or a friend may commit suicide. The very nature of these deaths often
results in a prolonged and heightened sense of unreality.
Feeling dazed or numb when someone loved dies is often part of the grieving teen's
early experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives their emotions
time to catch up with what their mind has been told. This feeling helps insulate them
from the reality of the death until they are more able to tolerate what they don't
want to believe.
Support May Be Lacking
Many people assume that adolescents have supportive friends and family who will
be continually available to them. In reality, this may not be true at all. The lack
of available support often relates to the social expectations placed on the teen.
They are usually expected to be "grown up" and support other members of the family,
particularly a surviving parent and/or younger brothers and sisters. Many teens have
been told, "Now, you will have to take care of your family." When an adolescent feels
a responsibility to "care for the family," he or she does not have the opportunity--or
the permission--to mourn.
Sometimes we assume that teenagers will find comfort from their peers. But when
it comes to death, this may not be true. Many bereaved teens are greeted with indifference
by their peers. It seems that unless friends have experienced grief themselves,
they project their own feelings of helplessness by ignoring the subject of loss entirely.
As we strive to assist bereaved teens, we should keep in mind that many of them are
in environments that do not provide emotional support. They may turn to friends and family
only to be told to "get on with life."
Relationship Conflicts May Exist
As teens strive for their independence, relationship conflicts with family members
often occur. A normal, though trying way in which teens separate from their parents is
by going through a period of devaluation.
If a parent dies while the adolescent is emotionally and physically pushing the
parent away, there is often a sense of guilt and "unfinished business." While the
need to create distance is normal, we can easily see how this complicates the experience
of mourning.
We know that most adolescents experience difficult times with their parents and
siblings. The conflicts result from the normal process of forming an identity apart
from their family. Death, combined with the turbulence of teen-parent and sibling
relationships, can make for a real need to "talk-out" what their relationship was
like with the person who died.
Signs a Teen May Need Extra Help
As we have discussed, there are many reasons why healthy grieving can be especially
difficult for teenagers. Some grieving teens may even behave in ways that seem
inappropriate or frightening. Be on the watch for:
- symptoms of chronic depression, sleeping difficulties, restlessness and low self esteem.
- academic failure or indifference to school-related activities
- deterioration of relationships with family and friends
- risk-taking behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse, fighting, and
sexual experimentation
- denying pain while at the same time acting overly strong or mature
To help a teen who is having a particularly hard time with his or loss, explore the
full spectrum of helping services in your community. School counselors, church groups
and private therapists are appropriate resources for some young people, while others may
just need a little more time and attention from caring adults like you. The important
thing is that you help the grieving teen find safe and nurturing emotional outlets at
this difficult time.
A Caring Adult's Role
How adults respond when someone loved dies has a major effect on the way teens
react to the death. Sometimes adults don't want to talk about the death, assuming
that by doing so, young people will be spared some of the pain and sadness. However,
the reality is very simple: teens grieve anyway.
Teens often need caring adults to confirm that it's all right to be sad and to feel
a multitude of emotions when someone they love dies. They also usually need help
understanding that the hurt they feel now won't last forever. When ignored, teens may
suffer more from feeling isolated than from the actual death itself. Worse yet, they
feel all alone in their grief.
Be Aware of Support Groups
Peer support groups are one of the best ways to help bereaved teens heal. In a
group, teens can connect with other teens who have experienced a loss. They are
allowed and encouraged to tell their stories as much, and as often, as they like.
In this setting most will be willing to acknowledge that death has resulted in their
life being forever changed. You may be able to help teens find such a group. This practical
effort on your part will be appreciated.
Understanding the Importance of the Loss
Remember that the death of someone loved is a shattering experience for an
adolescent. As a result of this death, the teen's life is under reconstruction.
Consider the significance of the loss and be gentle and compassionate in all of
your helping efforts.
Grief is complex. It will vary from teen to teen. Caring adults need to communicate
to children that this feeling is not one to be ashamed of or hide. Instead, grief is a
natural expression of love for the person who died.
For caring adults, the challenge is clear: teenagers do not choose between grieving and
not grieving; adults, on the other hand, do have a choice -- to help or not to help teens
cope with grief.
With love and understanding, adults can support teens through this vulnerable time and
help make the experience a valuable part of a teen's personal growth and development.
While the guidelines in this article may help, it is important to recognize that helping
a grieving teen will not be an easy task. You may have to give more concern, time and love
than you ever knew you had. But this effort will be more than worth it.
By "walking with" a teen in grief, you are giving one of life's most precious gifts
-- yourself. |
