Helping Yourself Heal When Someone Dies
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Someone You Love Has Died
You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn.
Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding
the death and the person who has died. It is an essential part of healing.
You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful,
overwhelming, and sometimes lonely. This article provides practical
suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.
Realize Your Grief is Unique
Your grief is unique. No one will grieve in exactly the same way.
Your experience will be influenced by a variety of factors: the
relationship you had with the person who died; the circumstances
surrounding the death; your emotional support system; and your cultural
and religious background.
As a result of these factors, you will grieve in your own special way.
Don't try to compare your experience with that of other people or to
adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider
taking a "one-day-at-a-time" approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.
Talk About Your Grief
Express your grief openly. By sharing your grief outside yourself, healing occurs.
Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel
better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so
doesn't mean you are losing control, or going "crazy." It is a normal part of
your grief journey.
Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging. Seek out those
persons who will walk with, not in front of, or behind you in your journey through
grief. Avoid persons who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They
may tell you, "keep your chin up," or "carry on," or "be happy." While these
comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. You have a right
to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.
Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions
Experiencing loss affects your head, heart, and spirit. So you may experience
a variety of emotions as part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization,
fear, guilt, relief, or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you
may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period
of time. Or they may occur simultaneously.
As strange as some of these emotions may seem they are normal and healthy.
Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out
of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected
times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed.
They are, however, a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone
who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
Allow for Numbness
Feeling dazed or numb when someone dies is often part of your early grief
experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions
time to catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps create
insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate
what you don't want to believe.
Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Emotional Limits
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your
ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your
low-energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body
and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced
meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself
doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself it means you are using survival skills.
Develop a Support System
Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly
when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at
this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives
who will provide the understanding you need. Find those people who encourage
you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings -- both happy and sad.
Make Use of Ritual
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved.
It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly,
the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself. If
you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your
feelings, and you cheat everyone who cares of a chance to pay tribute
to someone who was, and always will be, loved.
Embrace Your Spirituality
If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate
to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support
your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death
of someone you loved, realize this feeling as a normal part of your
grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your
feelings of hurt and abandonment.
Allow a Search for Meaning
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he die? Why this say? Why now?"
This search for meaning is often another normal part of the healing
process. Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing
occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in
answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as
you search for meaning.
Treasure Your Memories
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies.
Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your
memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part
of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.
Move Toward Your Grief and Heal
The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when someone loved
dies. You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your
grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace
your grief and heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process,
not an event. be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the
death of someone loved changes your life forever. It's not that you won't be
happy again. It's simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were
before the death.
The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help
yourself heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed
sense of meaning and purpose in your life.
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